


Secrets and Lies

by iluvaqt



Series: His Best Girl [10]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 00:56:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4120482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iluvaqt/pseuds/iluvaqt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony always leaves a mess in his wake but for his friends, he does his best to straighten things out. In trying to strengthen Felicity and Steve's relationship, he almost drives them apart forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets and Lies

[ ](http://s13.photobucket.com/user/micki34/media/Banners/IMG_74531_1.jpg.html)

::: ::: :::

Training recruits in the new S.H.I.E.L.D facility meant that he hadn’t seen Felicity in person since the whole Ultron colossal fuck-up had happened. She had briefly been home after London, before she was off again to Australia to represent Stark Technologies at a global address, clean energy conference. She also may have mentioned that she was also going to take a closer look at a company called Stellmoor International. Something he knew was connected to the man her friends in Starling had taken down a couple of months ago.

At times he wondered what it would be like to be as fast as Wanda’s brother had been, so he could be everywhere at once. But as they had all learned, sometimes even being the fastest man on earth wasn't fast enough.

Steve couldn’t be more grateful that Felicity had been out of the tower, out of the country, when Tony had decided to create Ultron. Although, he was fairly certain that she had called Tony repeatedly to give him an earful upon learning what he’d done. He was glad someone else who actually spoke on Tony’s wavelength had said it. It had to be the dumbest thing, the certified genius, Mensa Alumni man had ever done. That Bruce had even half agreed to his idiotic idea spoke to Steve of just how scary those two could be when you left them alone together. And that wasn’t even touching the fact that Tony wore the world’s most formidable weaponized piece of technology and the other was an invincible, mostly unstoppable beast.

“All work and no play makes Steve Rogers, a very unhappy boy,” a warm familiar voice said.

He whipped around so fast he was sure he might have sprained something, either that or he was finally starting to show his age. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.” He was on her in two short strides and almost belatedly had to remind himself not to crush her he was so elated to see her.

“Yo, no PDAs in the common areas,” Sam teased them happily. When they parted, he gave Felicity a welcome hug himself. “If you didn’t show in the next day or two I was going to give you a call in a plea for mercy. He’s been absolutely insufferable.”

Steve looked mightily affronted over that comment. “I never thought I’d hear complaints from you, Sam.”

Sam shook his head. “I’m not airing my grievances about you. Some of our team just aren’t cut out for the kind of drills you run. They can make your ears bleed with their bitchin’, trust me. A happy Cap, means a sunnier Cap. You’ll go easier on them. And my sanity will thank you.”

Felicity tried not to smirk but she could tell from Steve’s scowl that she hadn’t succeeded.

::: ::: :::

“How are we sure that Ultron won’t make a reappearance at some point?” Steve asked Tony as they walked to the team briefing area. 

“Vision said he destroyed Ultron. Felicity and I cut him off, so that he couldn’t escape into the information grid. We disabled every one of the drones. He’s done and dusted.”

“And we trust an alien entity that Ultron helped build?” he asked Tony.

“Do you trust your girlfriend?” 

The look that Tony was giving him unsettled him to the core. Like he knew something that he was certain Steve didn't. His trust in Felicity was unshakable. She was his rock and his guiding light in all the chaos that surrounded him on a daily basis. She helped him navigate this scarily fast paced almost completely foreign world. She was endlessly patient in teaching him how to use modern technology, whereas Tony’s rapid fire babble would give him a headache.

Tony swiped his smart tablet screen and showed Steve photos of Felicity and even though his heart argued otherwise, it looked like she was talking to Bucky. Steve felt light-headed and his heart began to pound. They had been searching for Bucky for over a year. Every moment between missions that they had. She had even talked to him about what she was doing with her special tracking program, that she was using it to continuously update them on Bucky’s movements. Sam had almost pinned him down last week before he’d disappeared again.

“I’m sure she has a good reason for not telling you,” Tony said reading his expression. “We always start out with the best intentions. Sometimes people get hurt. I’m not saying I’m faultless, I’m not even trying to deflect blame, but there was a reason Ultron could hit us, hard and fast. Without G.I.D.I.O.N., it might have taken him a few weeks longer to pool together resources. He found his targets through us. Everything he needed to build his army and start his war, was right there. Without JARVIS changing those launch codes, it would have been over before it even started.”

Steve was still reeling over the photos to even process much of what Stark was saying, except that Felicity’s program was somehow involved in Ultron’s rise.

“You really don’t know much about what she created do you? It’s a supermatrix. A detailed and comprehensive information network. Think every intelligence database accessed by a single computer. She built a processor that can analyze all that data and can give you real time feed of your specific target. It collates everything that exists in the digital world and then hundreds of coded algorithms generate statistical data, probabilities and feeds thoose results back to the S.H.I.E.L.D Watchlist or any accredited body, allowed access. That network matrix gives tracking satellites solid leads for global positioning, enabling Uncle Sam to lock down their targets.”

Tony could see the wheels turning in Steve’s eyes and watched his jaw tighten as he came to the right conclusion. 

“We thought that putting S.H.I.E.L.D’s secrets out there that we had stopped Hydra’s plan. Arnim Zola had uploaded himself and enacted Hydra’s end game.” Steve felt a headache coming on. The world had changed so much since his day and it was conversations like this that forced him to see just how out of touch he was. He didn’t like how easy it had become to decimate the world. People could sit a world away and push a button and it was all over for an entire country. Or in Ultron’s plan, all over for humanity.

::: ::: :::

"How is Bucky?"

His voice was so hard and cold, that Felicity thought if she locked eyes with him, his frostiness might actually give her burns. But she did anyway because she wasn't a coward and she loves him with everything she is.

"About as scary and disagreeable as you can imagine," she said her tone even but resigned.

Steve stared her down, his jaw tight. "Where is he?"

"Hiding in plain sight."

He nodded, his eyes breaking away, his hands curled into fists. "You've been feeding us false information for how long?"

Felicity felt her eyes prickle with tears. This was it. This was what she had known was coming, what she'd been terrified of. She knew he'd never understand but she had wanted this to last as long as it did. Her heart was splitting and cracking in her chest and with every second he refused to look at her, she fractured a little more. "I was going to tell you, when he was ready."

She felt him tense, his posture so hard that she thought it had to be physically painful. Then he was gone.

::: ::: :::

There was only one person who could know what she'd done. Only one person with the smarts to break into her encrypted system. No one else they knew had the clearance.

"Does this make you happy?," she cried at him, her eyes flashing with the loathing she felt for him right now. "Not every truth is how you see it, Tony."

He didn't flinch from her venom or her approach. "Pepper has seen me at my worst. She's had to clean up my disasters, had her heart broken, seen every one of my fucked up, self destructive moments. And she's still here. She stays because she know exactly who I am. Steve sees you through rose colored glasses. The shades are off. You're a real person, Felicity. If you were ever going to have a lasting future, he needed to see you. Not his idea of you."

Felicity felt the tears fall in earnest then. "I need him safe," she sobbed. "The Assassin sees Steve, and knows at one point he loved him, but he looks at him now and all he sees is someone he hates. He's full of cold rage. He almost killed him once... I couldn't..."

Tony pulled her close and held her. He didn't whisper platitudes or lies to make her feel better, he simply offered himself as a punching bag, as she beat on him. Beat out all her pain and frustration. And she had to hand it to him, Maria had built her up pretty strong, but he took it without protest. 

When she was spent, her eyes puffy and raw and her face a splotchy mess, her light makeup long gone, he gave her a pointed look. "So what are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to fix this, or die trying."

Tony swallowed but squeezed her shoulder, in a show of solidarity and support. "Good girl. Although I really hope it doesn't come to that. I like having you around."

Felicity barked out an involuntary chuckle. "I hate you."

"Love you too, kid. Now go."

::: ::: :::

"I could have killed you ten times over,” he said without inviting her in. His door was always open. His body was always itching for a fight. Anyone who dared rob him never got a chance to regret it. It was a good way to burn off the excess testosterone and adrenaline coursing through his veins. “I thought I told you all to stay clear."

Felicity knew that wearing one of Natasha's old uniforms would give her the confident facade she needed. The slight pressure it put against her skin helped her suppress the nervous tension threatening to paralyzing her body. She had to wear a padded bra to fill out the top of the catsuit properly but otherwise it was a snug-fit.

"You hate him? You want to hurt him? Kill me," she said showing him her empty hands. "You're angry at the world. You're angry at him. He let you fall. He didn't look for you. He let them have you, torture you, turn you into this... Monster. You followed him, trusted him to have your back and he let Hydra break you again and again. You hate him, you want him to feel your pain... Kill me," she growled kicking the door closed behind, staring him down.

She could see in his eyes that he was startled by her outburst but her words also enraged him because she knew that was exactly how he felt. She hadn't been brainwashed or tortured, made to kill people or suffering more of the same if you disobeyed. But she understood abandonment and feeling betrayed by someone you loved.

He grabbed her by her throat and ran her into the wall. "Don't try your mind games on me. You don't know how many lives I've ended just like this. This arm they put on me, I can bend iron. Your neck so soft, flesh and blood, I can break you like a twig."

"Steve thinks I betrayed him," she croaked, clawing at his hard metal hand, trying to loosen his grip just enough so she could get her words out. "I was protecting him from you. Killing me will prove my point. I'll die, my conscience clear and I know he'll be safe. So do it."

She could see the conflict in his eyes but his face was as hard and cold as the day he'd warned her off. He'd known Steve had help zeroing in on him every place he went. He'd done his homework, learned who she was and put it all together. Steve had woken up from an age where computers didn't exist. The digital age would have been completely alien to him, but for someone like her, it was child's play. He'd found her in Central Park after a fitness class with Maria and said in chilling, not subtle terms to get Steve to cease and desist. If she was half as smart as everyone thought she was, she’d get this wasn’t a request. The knife he'd held against her spleen sold his warning.

Tony had jokingly called her out as being totally off her game when she went back to work that afternoon but after a round of sparring with Natasha before she met Steve for dinner, she had herself under control. She knew Steve. He wouldn't quit just because Bucky had warned them not to look for him. According to Sam, Bucky had already told Steve that after dragging him out of the river after very nearly killing him.

So she had kept the warning to herself and started covering Bucky's tracks and planting false leads for Steve and Sam to find.

"You're ready to die for him?" Bucky asked with a sneer. "I thought I was too. But there are fates worse than death. But I guess that's a lesson he will get to live after you die. You're like her, you know. Tenacious. Beautiful. Brave. That's what he must see in you. He sees what he lost and lives the dream of them with you. I had dreams too and they took it all from me. Like I'm going to take his."

Felicity could see his expression at odds with his words. His dark brown eyes were suspiciously wet even as his lips thinned in a twisted sneer. Tony was right in his warning. This was as harebrained as she was ever going to be but Steve was worth it. He was worth everything and in her heart, she was beginning to see that so was James. As broken and bitter as he was, the man who Steve called his brother, was still in there. Scared, lost and damaged but there. She prayed that man would win this fight against the demons tearing at him. The ones that told him he could kill her. That she was a threat to him, his freedom, his mission for survival.

Bucky lifted her higher so that her toes didn't even touch the floor anymore. His grip tightened and her world got hazy around the edges. She gasped and pulled at his clamp like fingers. He only squeezed harder. A tear slipped from the corner of his eye and in his pupils she saw a reflection of herself, her eyes bulging and bloodshot, her face purpling. Her windpipe closed completely and eyes rolled back. It was over.

He felt her go slack, and he started uncomprehendingly at her inanimate face. Something jerked inside him, like an unseen hand had sucker punched him in the stomach and dropped her, like her skin had burned him. Her body crumpled to the floor in sloppy heap. He took a step back and stumbled, breaking a chair that had been in his way. He sat among the broken pieces of wood on the floor and stared unblinkingly at her. He had watched her for awhile now. She could fight. She was strong. She could take a hit. Not once did she try to claw his face or kick him. Why? Because she was ready to die for him. _For them_ , a small part of his brain amended, unhelpfully. She trusted in the image of James 'Bucky' Barnes that Steve had no doubt filled her head with and she was willing to go up against the demons of the Hydra beast, the Ghost Assassin, the Winter Soldier, all in the name of love.

He tore at his hair and roared at the ceiling. He cursed Steve Rogers, the world and most of all his own weakness. He thought they'd taken everything. He only wished they had, because looking at her lying there on the threadbare floor of his low rent, shoe-box apartment, he felt real pain. Like his heart was going to explode in his chest. This was remorse. This was understanding the true cost of his actions. She was right, of all the atrocities he had committed while under the control of Hydra, it hadn't been him. He was a prisoner of war. Brainwashed and tortured. But this, this was something Steve wouldn't be able to forgive him for. He raged his pain away breaking everything in sight. Then tenderly, as though she was only asleep, he laid her out on his bed. 

As he framed the doorway, he looked at her one last time. And then he ran.

::: ::: :::

Felicity came awake slowly. She couldn't swallow, but boy could she cough. She almost hurled while she coughed and dragged what air she could into her oxygen starved lungs. It was probably a good thing she'd been so nervous about coming here, that she hadn't eaten a thing. The whole drive over from the facility in Virginia to Brooklyn, New York, she had to coach herself over and over that nothing was going to change unless someone pushed. She'd been naive to think that she could shield Steve from this forever. Honestly, she knew it wasn't possible but maybe she'd wanted to live in her fantasy of keeping him safe for a bit longer. It was stupid. Illogical, selfish and all that, but she had done it anyway.

Steve healed so fast it made everyone but Thor jealous. He was smart, so smart that he could pick up new skills in a snap. He was a joy to teach and she loved looking at the world through his eyes, even if sometimes it made her see her own flaws a little too clearly. He wasn't a child but she couldn't help it. If she could protect him from hurt, either physical or emotional then she wanted to try. 

Her make up, which she'd fixed after confronting Tony was completely messed up by the time she reached her destination that she got out her cleansing pads and just decided to go product free. It wasn't like Bucky would appreciate the effort anyway.

He'd really gone all out in his destruction of the place. The only thing left untouched was the bed. Even the kitchen sink was spewing a fountain of water. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she stayed sitting until the room stopped spinning and her head stopped throbbing. Her legs felt like jelly when she stood and she had to catch herself from putting her head into the wall. 

Pulling out her phone, she called her friend. "Need help,” she croaked out weakly, every word straining her bruised throat. “Can’t drive..." Her vision blurred again but this time she knew it was because she was crying. Tears of relief that she wasn’t dead, or from a tide of overwhelming emotion, she didn’t know. Her brain was too starved of oxygen rich life-blood to process anything anymore.

 

::: ::: :::

 

A week passed and Tony had flown in to check on the new Avengers recruits. Nope, he was lying in his own head, he came to see what holier than thou, Captain Rogers was doing.

As usual, he had his soldier face on and he was running drills like it was just another regular day.

Tony knew for a fact that Steve hadn't spoken to Felicity since he'd confronted her. She hadn't told him. If he hadn't hacked her phone records, he still would have been able to tell from the way she went about her days in a robotic way. They spoke to each other daily. Even on away missions. Felicity never smiled anymore. And it was all this big blundering idiot's fault.

"I stand by my initial assessment."

"Oh yeah," Steve asked briskly, "and what's that?" When they first started working together, Steve had called Tony a pale weak imitation of his father. Tony had said he was nothing but a puppet on a string. They'd both grown in their opinions of one another. Not all positive but he liked to think they had an understanding now. If not, a level respect.

"She was too good for you."

Steve tensed before he frowned and let out a bitter laugh. "We all thought Pepper had to be either brainwashed or mentally impaired to put up with you. Since she's obviously clever, it has to be the former."

Tony ignored the jibe. He didn't need to defend his relationship with Pepper, they were rock solid. "Felicity Smoak was heroic long before you came along. She's been a crusader since her teen years and she's fiercely loyal and protective. I hired her, not because she was smart, well there was that because obviously she wouldn't be able to do the job without it, but I wanted her because she had something rare. Genuine, honest, hand on heart, candor. I don't have many friends, real friends. I've got associates, allies, team mates, but there are very few I call friends. But you can bet your ass, I count her as one of them. I could see this coming, but you're supposed to be this beacon of hope, this paragon of justice and virtue. It's all a bunch of crap. You, Steve Rogers are a bigger jackass than I'll ever be. I was trying to get you to see her as a person. I showed you those photos and told you about G.I.D.I.O.N and all you saw was how she somehow betrayed you. Well boo-hoo, you didn't understand exactly what she was doing. No one gets to have all the answers all the time. We make mistakes, it's what humans do. Do me a favor, man up and talk to her. Because as much as I'd love for her to move on and find someone worthy of her loyalty, she's stuck on you like Krazy Glue. Or don’t,” he said his face-plate coming down already. “Personally, I’m still hoping she’ll realize how alike JARVIS and Vision are, so they’ll run away together and make pretty pink alien, brainiac babies.” 

Steve felt his blood boil but Tony didn’t stick around, he put his hands down and boosted thrusters before he’d even got out his last words.

Sam jogged up and bent over, catching his breath. “So you going to New York or what?” he asked, squinting up at him between heaves. 

“Does everyone around here natter like gossiping old ladies?”

“What else is there for them to do?”

“Obviously, Natasha isn’t riding you hard enough,” Steve said without any heat. He didn't even know what he was so upset about anymore. He just missed her. A lot. He’d regretted his approach almost as soon as the early evening air hit his face. He’d gone for a run like he always did when he wanted to clear his head. When he came back, she had left. Natasha still wasn’t back to her usual playful, sarcastic self, so he didn’t want to leave her with the recruits until she was ready to put in 100%. Clint’s wife had given birth last month and he was back from paternal leave. If there was ever a right time to call for some personal time, this was it. He went to go find Agent Morse to request the weekend off.

::: ::: ::: 

Felicity didn’t hear the knock on her office door, she was so engrossed in the code she was reading.

“Global Integrated Digital Intelligence Oversight Network, so that’s what it stands for.”

Her heart rate picked up and the pen in her mouth clattered against the keyboard, she spun in her seat almost in total disbelief that he was there. At his apologetic expression, and the lack of any trace of accusation or angry, she flew at him. 

He held her and ran his hands over her back soothingly as her entire body shook with emotion. Tears fogged her glasses and she ripped them off, staring up at him through her tears. “Honestly, I don’t know why I bother with them anymore. The doctor says he can’t figure it out, sometimes I see perfectly and other times, code makes me see double. I got a new prescription and I’m still getting headaches, but I’m babbling. I’m going to shut up. Does this mean you understand? Are you still angry. I didn’t want to lie to you, like ever. Never. If he’s not ready to see you now, Steve, he might never be and I can’t lose you. Please don’t push him.”

Steve took her hands and kissed her lips gently. “You’re the one who’s most important to me, Felicity. I forgot that for a second and I was a jerk.”

Felicity swallowed, and then reflexively touched the scarf at her neck. It was still sensitive. She regretted that action as soon as she saw that Steve had noticed her gesture. Her heart skipped a beat and she forgot to breathe as he reached for the scarf ends. She wished he wouldn’t but closed her eyes against the inevitable. Maria was in awe of how fast she’d healed but the marks hadn’t faded completely yet. The bruising was in that horrible black and yellow stage. 

The room grew so quiet that she could hear only the cooling fans whirring. She opened her eyes too see real anguish and confusion on Steve’s face.

“Who did this?” he asked, his voice trembling.

“I went to see him, to ask him… He needed a push and I knew where he was, so I figured who better.”

Steve whirled from her and in his outburst of frustration put his hand clear through her glass wall. She jumped at the sound but she wasn’t truly surprised. He often forgot his own strength when his emotions were running high. His shoulders were twitching and his head was bowed low. She tentatively touched his back, putting her hand between his shoulder blades.

“You’re important to me, Steve. You’re important to pretty much, everyone actually. Looking at him face to face I understood why you wanted to fight for James. Why you wouldn’t give up on him. I didn’t see it before and I was so afraid he’d kill you, I kept him hidden and I kept his secret. But you found out anyway, so I did what I had to. He knows now, that you are who you’ve always been - his best friend. He can choose to continue to hate you for what he is, or he can forgive himself and choose who he’ll be from now on.”

Steve turned and she was surprised to see tears in his eyes. “Why? What made you think I wanted this? For you to risk your life?”

Felicity touched his cheek and held her hand there. She met his pain filled eyes and smiled gently. “Because I love you, Steve Rogers. And Steve Rogers needed his best friend, so he could forgive himself too.”

His thumb traced below the spot that revealed a man’s thumb impression and he closed his eyes, a tear spilling down his cheek. He hugged her close and for a long time he didn’t move, he just held her in his arms and breathed her in. She was alive. This precious woman, who stared down a shadow, a feared deadly assassin, a man that even scared him in his dreams, and accepted death all to prove her love for him. Stark was right. She deserved better than him but he’d be damned if he gave her up. Not now. Not ever.


End file.
